How Do I Get Back On Track In My Life After a Major Breakup?

When someone you deeply love leaves you (or makes you leave), it can feel like the end of the world. You get that punched-in-the-stomach feeling, pains in your chest…you feel like the person you loved so much just died. You feel lost, alone, rejected–like you will never love or be loved again. You can’t eat, sleep or work properly. Or maybe you can sleep, but just too much. Whatever, it’s all the same: you suddenly can’t function normally anymore. You’ve become accustomed to that special person always being there for you. You thought you knew them. You never believed they could ever do this to you. You thought they loved you as much as you loved them. You are in shock. What do you do? How can you go on? Yes, I’ve been there and done that. It’s a horrible feeling and you just feel like crawling in a hole and dying. But I got through it, and so can you.

While you can never really be in another person’s head and know what is really going on, you CAN go inside yourself for refuge. You are strong enough by yourself. You have a brain, and you can survive such a horrible experience by doing these things:

1) Do not think of just yourself and your pain. Think of this situation in unselfish terms. Think of how, if you really love this person, you would want them to be happy, wouldn’t you? Is it possible that this person you loved will be happier with someone else? Don’t you want them to find their happiness in this life? And isn’t it possible that they weren’t meant for you, but were just there to teach you something in life? One way to really love another person is to let them go. This is one of the best ways of loving others: giving love without expectation of any returns. It is better to give then to receive. And sometimes, when you let someone go, they come back to you. If they do, things may be better the next time around.

2) Don’t forsake what you two built together. It is deeper than friendship. You know this person inside and out. Possibly, you even lived together and so you got to know them on a daily basis. This person surely added some kind of value to your life, or you wouldn’t have loved them in the first place. Resolve to keep the door open for friendship, even though you feel pain now and/or they may not want the same thing (or their new partner won’t “allow” it). They may need you one day. Be a friend to them and keep your connection alive, or at least be there if they need you. Obviously, there are exceptions to this: a violent or malicious person, if threatening your safety, would not be someone you would want to put yourself around. Nor would it be wise to hang around them if they are bad for your self-esteem. But in general, you really CAN remain friends with an old lover/ex. Perhaps now that the romantic connection is gone (or may be gone), you can become real, true friends. And those are not easy to come by.

3) Spend some time meditating on why this relationship ended…journal about it, or talk to a friend or counselor. Feel your pain and see it just as mourning a loss, which is completely natural. And time will help heal the pain. Do not run directly out to get a new love just to cover up your pains. You will not appreciate the new love and you may find you are not careful in who you choose because you are in such a hurry to fill the void and pain. This is called a “rebound relationship.” Then you would end up possibly breaking someone else’s heart. It is said you should spend at least 6 months without a new partner so you have time to think, reflect, and ponder what happened and also who you might choose as a type of partner for the future. Everyone is different, though, and your time table for being ready to date again may be shorter or longer; the point is, you will know when you’re ready.

4) Spend some quality time with your circle of friends…or make new ones by going to places where people with your same interests hang out. This could be special classes, seminars, dance clubs, poetry readings, open mics, dinners with coworkers, or even online forums or social media networks (like Facebook). You could even try hooking up with a group of people with your interests, such as can be found at www.meetup.com . I can’t stress enough how my good friends helped me through my depression and sadness over a recent breakup. Yes, I could have done it without them, but they really helped speed up the process, and their advice and experiences were invaluable to me.

5) Spend time doing things you love and are passionate about. For me, it was going out to open mics to sing and play guitar; going to jewelry-making classes; reading personal development books, trying new recipes, and helping others through volunteer work. These things helped me get back to my genuine self, part of which I had lost in the old relationship. It gave me a clear view of how I should be more myself in any new relationship. You need interests and activities apart from your partner; it is how you keep your own identity in tact…and keeps you strong, should you lose your partner. It’s nice to share your life with someone, but remember: you are good enough and strong enough on your own as well!

6) Make a schedule every day, filling your calendar with things you can look forward to, such as outings with friends, local events to attend, favorite TV shows, etc. This way, you don’t sit around moping and feeling sorry for yourself; you are actually taking an active part in life! This is important for your morale during your healing process.

7) Try online dating, when you are ready. Really! It’s not as scary as some people think. Just be honest about yourself and don’t settle for what/who you don’t want. You will be surprised how many others out there have what you are looking for. And it is a more exact way of finding the right person than going to a bar or club and just hoping they magically appear in front of you, or settling for what you do find there. I highly recommend it. Some are paid memberships, but I chose a couple really good free ones. I was very happy with the results I got from www.plentyoffish.com It was an excellent experience for me. Go for it!

These are all the things that helped me get through a rough time, and become stronger in the process. What about you? Have you been through a major breakup? How did you get through it? Do you have some tips in addition to these? Help others going through a breakup by responding in the comments section!

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